Me and my girls

Me and my girls

Thursday, June 24, 2010


I was listing to CBC the other day and they were doing a program on friends. They were talking about how there is no protocal when dumping a friend like there is when dumping a partner. It got me thinking about how true this is and then I started to wonder why this is. Some friends are in your life longer than any relationship but when it ends, there is no ceremony or ritual ending.

I have had a few friendships end over the years, some by my own decision, some that just slipped away and one or two that I have no idea what happened. After listening to this program, I started thinking about the ex-friend who just disappeared out of my life. I can pin-point when it happened as it was totally abrupt. We were friends (as far as I knew) one day and then I had Ainsley. I sent emails with my announcement to this friends, called her, left messages but nothing. Not one word of congratulations, no visit, nothing. I was quite hurt at the time especially since I had thought we were good friends and had been for 15 years but something about me becoming a mom obviously changed our relationship significantly. I still don't know how this changed things and I will probably never know.

So, what I am wondering is how many people had friendships that changed when you had a baby? Were you able to make new friends with other new moms?

While I lost one or two friends, I have made new friends once becoming a mom. Some great friends who I have gone to when things are really tough and they understand completely and are usually going through the same things. I guess only time will tell who your true friends are.


  1. I've been on the other side.

    My friend had her baby shortly after I had a miscarriage. I hadn't told anyone about the pregnancy because it was so early (besides my husband and doctor, obviously). I was barely able to make it through an hour without crying and it felt like the pain of our loss would last forever (it never truly does go away).

    I honestly couldn't face my friends, ecstatic with their new baby. I couldn't see that baby without thinking of the one I lost. I couldn't hold her without my heart breaking. I couldn't hear their complaints about the hospital stay, lack of sleep, upchuck or diapers without bitterness, sadness, pain and - worst of all - shame for feeling all these things.

    I tried to visit a couple times, but always left after a short time, barely holding back the tears. They couldn't understand why I didn't want to hold her and didn't stay around to watch her or talk about her.

    I wasn't ready to share my painful story with them, as I couldn't bear the pity or the usual comments people make which although well-meant only served to make me feel like they were dismissing my pain.

    I did end up talking with them after a few months, when I was more able to cope, and explained why I'd been acting strangely. I wouldn't say the friendship is over, but it has changed and become a lot less close.

    So all I can say is, don't jump to conclusions about your friend not being a true friend if she was no longer around once you had your little one. It's possible that she has a painful secret and she just wasn't able to share your joy. It wouldn't be a comment on the friendship, just her incapability to cope with a difficult situation.

  2. Hi Emily,

    Thank you for sharing your story. I cannot imagine how hard it would have been to be dealing with a miscarriage while friends had just had a baby. I had actually wondered about that with my former friend. If there had been something going on behind the scenes that I was not aware of. I just know the turning point was the birth of my daughter. I would have hoped our relationship was such that she could have confided in me. I will probably never know the reason behind the end of our friendship but every once in awhile I can't help but wonder.

  3. When I became a mom I did lose a few friends but no breakup was necessary, we just drifted apart with different things to do.
    But I did make new ones and life has gone on and is very good.